On facing fears
Like most people, I’m scared of lots of things – some big, some small. Big hairy spiders, bungee jumping, public speaking, getting a cold, creepy dolls. One of the fears I’ve carried for a long time was fear of the ocean, specifically waves. Waves look like they’re going to eat you alive! They appear ominously in the distance and slowly make their way towards you, growing taller and threatening to take you under. Do you run? You can’t in time! Do you just dive under and hope for the best? Not if you’re scared of that too (like me).
I think my fear of waves harks back to when I used to go in the wave pool at Centre Parcs as a child – there would be a strange, screaming alarm and the water would start to ripple and move back and forth. The adults got all excited and swam to the front where it was deeper. Off I went in my armbands, following them. But as soon as those waves got big and my little toes couldn’t touch the safe surface, I couldn’t do anything but be at the total mercy of that chlorine-y, eye-stingy water. Water went up my nose and down my trachea and next thing, I’m flailing around crying, red-eyed and in need of a slush puppy and a portion of chips to soothe my little soul.
So I can’t remember exactly why I said I would try out bodyboarding at our local beach. I waded in warily, coaxed by Jacob, yelping and panicking as each (probably 30 centimetre) wave approached. All of my jumping up and avoiding worked until a giant wave came and took me out, drenching me in icy water, chucking me sideways and leaving me in no doubt about who was boss – Mother Nature. It’s a metaphor for life really – we can avoid and hide from life over and over, but one day the waves will bring you under. It’s the human experience.
After being dragged under again and again, there really was nothing left to fear. Within half an hour, I was swimming eagerly out on my board, bobbing over the waves and hurtling back to shore, riding on top of those previously terrifying beasts on a wild, white-knuckle adventure. Since then, my love for the wild waves has grown – the absolute flow of the activity, the total immersion in nature, create a feeling of total aliveness. I’m even staying out long past the point at which I can feel my toes. The flask of tea and a biscuit after, hot shower and happy tiredness that follow are all major plusses in the whole event too.
The weird thing is I’ve carried the belief about myself for many years that I’m a scared-y cat, that I am wimpy. Turns out, I’m a badass! While I am usually quite happy snuggled up inside with a book, I’ve surprised myself and, as small a thing as bodyboarding is, it’s shown me I can stretch and grow into things I previously thought impossible. Woop!